I've never left the country before. Okay, I've been to British Columbia, but a friend once described our neighbor so accurately as "Canada: The United States Biggest State Park"
Now, I fully understand that going to Puerto Rico doesn't count as leaving the country either, but it is apart from the continental US, which is a big step in the right direction for me.
Lesson 1: BRING OUT YOUR DEAD .... Milkmen?:
The Ice cream trucks of Puerto Rico have a dull, constant bong as they stroll through the neighborhoods, during inappropriate times of dusk. Unlike American ice cream trucks, which are so cheery they nearly drive one to kill, the PR truck bell makes it sounds as if someone has already died. It nearly discourages poor, late night choices of dairy consumption. Nearly.
Lesson 2: ROAD RULES...minus all the sexy singles desperate for air time: It is LEGAL for drivers to run red lights after midnight due to increased car-jackings in secluded areas.
Lesson 3: HONKY TONK
Puerto Rican drivers are smart enough to realize that every daytime hour is technically after midnight. They also know they're way around a horn, a pot hole and a general responsibility that they stand unified in finger pointing.
Lesson 4: BLISSFUL IGNORANCE: If the Sarah McClachlan themed humane society commercial makes you want to change the channel, then don't come to Puerto Rico. A rampant population of stray cats and dogs will eat out your soul instead of your eyes ... as you'd prefer.
Lesson 5: DEATH BY CHOCOLANT: Ants like chocolate. A lot. Do not leave unconsumed if your goal was to eat the whole bag. Which I've heard some people like to do. You don't know them. Shut up.
Lesson 6: THE SUN WILL COME OUT ... TOMORROW: During the rainy season, sun comes out in the morning. If you're going to head to the beach make sure you're there before 2pm. Or, like myself, learn to love the soul cleansing that comes with warm, oceanic rain.
Lesson 7: MUE MUE MUE, MUE MUE MUE... MUEVE CULO. MUEVE CULO!!: Eat what you want. The Puerto Ricans do not shy away from a junky trunk.
Lesson 8: THEY DON'T ALL EAT ALIKE: Refrain from telling the locals you left something back at the "Mexican" restaurant. (I did non-ironically, Tollemache! Don't let it happen to me in CR)
Lesson 9: MI AMIGA ME ESTA HOSPIDANDO (or whatever): If the only spanish word you know is "gracias" it'll get you by with a patient and gracious local by your side (Gracias, mi amiga Betania!).
Lesson 10: EAT, PRAY, LOVE: Cliche' is the new 30. Taking mini vacations to soul search, heal, accept, feel and all that mushy shit are totally cool with me now. I'm nothing to anyone else without my own self worth and the peace to move forward, believe and give. Careful, miserable people and general douchebaggers - I may put a smile on your face or a warmth in your heart.
